Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports activities Nihilist, the place every thing is for nothing and we’re nothing greater than unintentional jolts of electrified flesh caught to the floor of a rock in an uncaring universe. Fuck off
Tyreek Hill “shocked” the sports activities world on Thursday by announcing that he plans to retire at the end of his current contract. My first response was to yell silly as if somebody stated they put 4 4’s on the stack, however my subsequent response was, who cares? Take into consideration each time you’ve got logged into LinkedIn, like these 5 cases, and you’ve got seen somebody begin a submit with “Some private information…” How rapidly do you leap to the following merchandise? Do you even learn past the private information?
Possibly a few times, however trick me into studying a retirement submit thrice, and my selective care kicks in. Congratulations on not having to work anymore, Greg, now give me a fucking cake so there is a cause to remain till the top of the day. The farewell banner mustn’t say “Blissful Retirement!” It ought to say: “What are you going to do now, asshole? Golf and watch the clock till it hits an appropriate time for a G&T?”
Usually, I’ve to lean into the absurdity of those nihilistic sports activities columns to actually learn like satire as a result of the recent take tradition has normalized the loopy, however not at this time. I can safely say at this time that I do not give a rattling about Hill’s expiration date. I might be extra fascinated with what he has to say if this wasn’t the 15,000th time he is given us a “headline” since he left. kansas metropolis. Cease being bitter as a result of Travis Kelce was chosen by you and develop up. It isn’t our fault Tua Tagovailoa is Patrick Mahomes with a porcelain jaw.
Hill may give all the explanations she needs to announce her retirement early, however everyone knows she needs kitschy presents and ceremonies. How a lot cheetah print clothes is just too many? Probably the most egregious a part of farewell excursions is that followers do not even get a free piece of sweet. If we’re to see Albert Pujols sitting in his fifth wheelchair on this many cities, viewers ought to not less than be rewarded with donuts, cookies, or Cracker Jacks.
Spare me the retirement events and all the opposite self-importance tasks
Retirement events are to me what weddings are to single ladies of their 30s. It is only a procession of envy that makes me wish to be up there, taking that large step into the following stage of my life. Solely as a substitute of a life companion, it’s the proper to be a completely hopeless and impudent leech in society. I am not going to do any consulting, and I hope my youngsters do not ask me for recommendation, as a result of I do not wish to give them my standpoint. Telling your offspring to “imagine in nothing” is morbid, and I might slightly they learn how pointless old school life is, residing it each fucking day.
Truly, a retirement social gathering is likely one of the final examine marks you attain earlier than the welcome launch of demise. What’s left? The start of your grandchildren? Milestone birthdays that provide you with Relies upon Till It is Not Humorous Anymore joke presents? Most of those athletes are afraid to stroll away from the sport as a result of their usefulness is gone.
And that is what actually surprises us about Hill. My God, is he going to name it quits earlier than the ravages of professional soccer flip him right into a shell of the dynamic broad receiver he as soon as was? The nerve! Whereas the lack of a cheerleader is the one cause to fret, there are many quick receivers who’re greater than keen to place up together with your head trauma.
The one good thing about this information is that I will not seem like a jerk on the 2026 fantasy draft social gathering. No one needs to be the man who takes the retired participant. Even if you happen to take Tom Brady with the final choose in subsequent 12 months’s draft simply to be cheeky, you continue to suck and are not all that sensible or particular.
I want we might cease worrying about sports activities figures as soon as they resign. We already talked about them prior to now tense once they do, so let’s take the following logical step and deal with them as in the event that they have been useless. How is it completely different from now? We see Vince Carter dive right into a go well with and act like George Washington climbs out of the bottom and begins chopping down a cherry tree.
So, in abstract, I might prefer to say “Goodbye, Felicia” to Tyreek Hill and another athlete who hints at retirement. He comes out like an actual man and stops going to work sooner or later. Somebody will discover you are gone, however I do not know why you cared what Clark in accounting considered you within the first place.
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